I can have ANY man....

that i want.. Ive heard it soo many damn times!! "Omg you're beautiful, you can have any man you want. I cant believe you're single!" Well guess what fxcker... i CANT get ANY man i want , i can get ANY man that wants ME!

Just think about it. The person you want sooo bad, never really wants you. & that person who wants you sooo bad, you cant stand. WTF is the logic in that? I've had my share of relationships and dates, and I've only REALLY liked about 40% of them. For some reason, im always gettin stuck with the same type of men.

Theres always the OVER ACHIEVER- the guy that has to point out everything they can do for you or boasting on what they have.He's usually a CORNBALL, so inorder to compensate, he lets his money and cars persuade you. uhh, excuse me SIR, i dont NEED youre resources (unless you know Jay-Z), i got my own!

Then theres the JUST BEAR WITH ME guy- the guy thats been in college longer than he needs to be,or is constantly unemployed, and uses that as an excuse to be a low-life. NO job, no money ,livin with his mom.. but "you're in school to better your life" tho right?? thats why youre 28 still using ya momma taxes to pay for school...hmmm NEXT!!!

OF course theres the Pretty Boy- the guy who spends more time lookin and talkin about hisself than you do.I like to call these my "Harlem dudes". Image is everything to this guy. Everything has a label. The one that looks soooooo damn FIONE in the club from afar, but when he tries to holla, you notice his eyebrows are arched..."howw you zzzzzewin, sir" ill pass! I dont need ya pussy sir, im on my own clit! Thanks tho..

Cant forget about Mr.Focused- the guy who cant spend time with you because "right now, im just focusing on me, nah mean?" riiite, but you can bbm me at 12 am for my goodies? FOH here sir.. im JUST as focused if NOT more than you. Spending time with ya boys every hour on the hour HARDLY counts as bein focused.

Lastly, we have the IM NOT LOOKING FOR A RELATIONSHIP, but can we still fxck , guy- Every lady has had this guy once or twice. This is USUALLY the guy we like the most. He flirts, tells you what you want to hear, spends a little time on you... but DOESNT want a relationship. Rather, he wants you to be his "unofficial girl". He sees nothing wrong with this logic, mostly because its the new "it" thing. Why should he be tied down to one girl, when he can have a MAIN and a mistress? This is the guy we ALWAYS think we can change! It never fails..

I'm dealing with a "im not looking for a relationship" guy at the moment, and at first i thought it was cool. We both wasnt looking for anything serious, just someone to kick it with on occasion. But, as the weeks pass.. i start thinkin "WHAT THE HELL am i doing?" Its becoming clear that im liking him WAAY too much, and i can see this not ending how i want it too. The woman in me, likes to think that I can be the one to change his outlook. I mean, look at me! Im young, pretty, got my own shxt, and i "handle my bidness, like a big girl should".. but even that isnt enough to change his outlook on "relationships"..

Soooo, what are my options?? I could ditch the guy, and start from scratch, or be content with being his "shorty" ( as he loves to call me) , and never be satisfied... ugh! this relationship/love thing is for the BIRDS!!

" I can have any man i want to baby, thats actual and factual.. but still i choose YOU!"-Chilli

Beautifullest Bliss

Im a Scaredy Cat...so wat!!

Hello beautiful people!

Am i too "grown" to be afraid? Like is there a point in life where you are supposed to be fearless? If so, im not there yet; cause im PETRIFIED! of what?? Well alot of things, heights, spiders, ANYTHING blue or greeen, amongst others. But my ultimate fear, is LOVE! *screams* im so afraid of it! Its soo scary and random.I hate bein put in situations where the dreaded "L" words appears. Thats why i HATE love songs.. they freak me out!

Ever been in a relationship or on the verge of being in one, and you start thinking "Can I LOVE this person"? Yea, i start twitchin when it comes to that! LOVE? whatthefuckisthat *fabolous voice* Idk if i even know how to do that. Seems too complicated for me... why cant i just like someone...ALOT?

Why would anyone want to be in Love, or Love someone? I know when its good, its good- but when its BAD, its fuckin HORRIBLE! The person you were in sooo much love with turns out to be a complete jerk, asshole, dumbass, ect. So why even put yourself in a situation like that?

With love, you gotta be like "free" and shit. Takes alot of effort, time and energy, and i just dont have that time... jus yet ( or ever!) The way i see it " Love is like a game, and no one ever wins!" You get ahead, but overtime, ya ass loses. That man you married 20 years ago, cheats... and you lose. The guy that loved you soo much, hits you. That girl you would do ANYTHING for, played you. That perfect couple has, secrets... get my drift??

Now alot of people may read this, and think im just another mad black woman whose heart has been scorned, which is partially true, but im just taking a realistic approach to life. You can never put all of your money in one pot or ya ass will be BROKE wen life takes ya damn pot. Now im not condoning having multiple pots, but im saying, be smart!

I'll blame my dad for giving me this mindset. How i long for the female take on things; daydreaming about marriage and love. Hearing a love song and smiling.. damn i want that soo bad! Most females arent afraid of monogamy, but ME....smh, im soo scared of it! I have such a male outlook on life, and its turned me into a scaredy cat to say the least..

One day ill face my fear.. HOPEFULLY. One day ill look love in the eyes with confidence and not worry if its gonna FUCK me over. But today, March 22, 2010.. im still afraid of you LOVE!

The BeautifullestBliss

Emotional Wreck ( in the words of Chris Crocker)

You always hear the term ‘emotional wreck’, but is there such a thing as a.. successful, smoothe ride, when letting emotions take the wheel?

Every time I let my guard down, I become astonishgly (astonishing even to me) sensitive. I choose to ignore my emotions 100% of the time.. so when I finally consider letting them do the talking, I end up kicking myself and getting mad at others for not being ‘nicer’ to me or for not giving me the love I want in return.

Maybe I’m just a big baby.. but someday.. Someday I am going to be someones big baby, and they’re going to love me that much more.. and they’re going to love ALL the things about me others can’t seem to stand.. and all this waiting will be worth it.

I long a guy to pull me closer when I push him away. For a guy to understand my games, to see through them— To kiss me when I start to cuss him out. To cup my cheek in his hand and rub my face.. I could go on..

Unfortunatley fantasies don’t come with a warning label, and even if they did, I take warning’s as a “jumping off point, to start negotions” to quote Cher from Clueless.

I keep wanting to end this entry with an uplifting sigh of relief, but I don’t really want a sigh of relief.. because I know it will be temporary.

How many wishes in a bottle do I have to send/spread all over the Internet, before the one for me finally fucking reads it and acts on the feelings he and I both know are there? Because if I ever DO find love.. Mark my fucking words.

I will NOT

under any circumstances..

I will NOT chase love. Love will chase me once and for all.

In ALL of my previous relationships, I was the initiator. For ONCE in my life, I will let them do the confessing and the wooing me over.

I just sighed..

Temporarily Relieved,

Chris
&
Beautifullest Bliss

Heres a lil Story Bout this Girl i Kno

& lets call her "cindy".. Cindy was beautiful, like drop dead gorgeous! She had smooth skin, long beautiful hair, and a body to die for. Men stopped her, and women hated her.She had it all! College student, popular boyfriend, smart,.. jus the total package.

But on the inside, Cindy was broken. Her perfect boyfriend beat her. He was the epitomy of ABUSIVE!! She wasnt allowed to do anything, and he would always make her feel obligated to stay with him. Cindy did everything a good wife/ girfriend was supposed to. She would cook, clean, and sex him wenever he wanted. She never could understand why her man, the man she loved with all of her heart, would thank her by blacking her eye.

Cindy had very few friends and twice as many haters, so she always felt alone. She had been pregnant twice, only to have her boyfriend force her to have abortions.. saying " that they werent ready to have kids, and he wanted to be married". She was broken, she had lost it all! She depended on her man so much, that she had no plan B; no alternative. Although her back was against the wall, Cindy knew she had to be set free.

So one nite, after she had sex with her boyfriend and he was sound asleep... she got her shit together and left! she vanished, with a weeks worth of clothes, and 89 dollars in her pocket. She ran to he nearest gas station, called her mother, and returned to her home.

3 years later& Cindy is doin amazing! She graduated, has a great career, and most importantly, she found herself. She didnt let her horrid past dictate her future... as for the ex boyfriend, welll...i still see him around, lookin horrible, and worst off then wat he was. I heard he got some little freshman pregnant..hmm.. wonder wen her abortion appt is scheduled...

I bring this story to you, because theres a Cindy around all of us, and we may not know it. That girl with the radiant smile, and all the latest fashions, may be the one suffering the worst. Never judge a book by its cover... the title page may look good, but as you read thru the chapters, youll see that everything aint wat it seems to be.

Be careful ladies!! Never stay with a posessive, over bearing man. If he cant trust you, most likely you cant trust HIM.. and somethin is obviously wrong!! Love yourself enuff to knowt he difference! We are strong, beautiful women, and the right man will see that, and treat you accordingly! NEVER SETTLE like Cindy did!!

Peace & Love
BeautifullestBliss

Only Good for a Quickie....smh

WADDDUP!!! i been MIA lately..but for GOOOD reason! Im tryna get my life together, okay?!? dont judge me!!! But i missed my blog! So heres a quickie ( OO HOW I LUUUV THOSE ;)

Spring Semester is in full effect and im soo not prepared! Mentally, emotionally, physically...none of that jazz!!!Im not used to living a structured life and i gotta get back in my groove!! Classes are pretty smooth ( the two i went too anyway..lol), so im hoping for a successful year!

I found my bestest friend Saabrina aka my car!! I love her and she loves me shes been treatin me real well since we met..im thinkin shes a keeper lol

Love Life???? smh... next topic puhlease!!

Friends?? well its my BFF BIG 21 today!! and as i type im gettin dressed to go celebrate!!! i love you girl! We are gonna rock out w/ our cocks out tonite! Me and my sister made up and i love her to death!! *reminder* Family is ALWAYS first!!!Big Homie shared my first road trip with me THANK GOD!! Shes a FOOL but i love her too!!lol Silly dancing,twizzlers, and Rockin out to NSYNC!!! Memories for a lifetime!!!

In conclusion, life is good as of today!! ill come back with another "hot topic" in a few days! 'Preciate the love!!

BeautifullestBliss

CHEATERS.....

i wanted to talk about this topic for a while now.. jus to put my POV on the whole "cheating" thing. But what EXACTLY is cheating?? how can you define cheating?? To some, having intercourse with someone who is not your significant other is cheating, while to others, cheating can be just talking to another person.. or a simple kiss. SO i ask...." WHAT THE FUCK IS CHEATING???

WELP!! i looked up the definition of "cheating" and this is what i found: a : to practice fraud or trickery, to violate rules dishonestly OR 2 : to be sexually unfaithful

In this life.. everyone will be cheated on.. in SOME kind of way. We live in an age where QUANTITY over rules QUALITY ( this applies mainly with males). Men are praised for the numerous sexual partners they have, and are often looked down upon if "faithful".

Most men are ruled by their DICKS!! They see an opportunity to "score", and their common sense goes out of the window. They dont stop to think about the consequences that are laying ahead of them once the cum has evaporated.

I've been "cheated" on.. and trust me- IT FUCKIN HURTS!!! felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest and stomped on by a steel toe boot. The man i loved, FUCKED someone else.. MULTIPLE times (wipes forehead) glad i can finally say that and not cry! I started feeling like it was ME ( wrong thing to do)! I thought i wasnt doing enough, when it was actually the other way around. I was HURT.. i felt betrayed... and i didnt forgive (2nd wrong thing to do)... OOOO YEA... &&&& I STAYED!!!( like a jack ass!)

So in retaliation.. I CHEATED!! yup.. sure did! At the time, i wasnt over it.. 6 months down the road, and my heart STILL ached with pain. I didnt even like the guy- i just wanted my man to feel the HURT i felt ( 3rd bad choice)... if i could take back anything in the world... it would be cheating.. cause now.. guess wat- im JUST as bad as he is! IM a CHEATER!

You know the saying.. "once a cheater, ALWAYS a cheater".. well in some cases that is true. But its a choice to always be that cheater. If it was a mistake, or in the act of revenge.. I PERSONALLY BELIEVE you can be redeemed from that. JUST KNOW THAT fighting fire with fire NEVER works!!! If you are being cheated on.. LEAVE!! dont stay around and get soooo fed up that you feel like you need to cheat! PLEASE DONT DO IT!! it didnt do anything, but cause MORE drama and create more pain in my life. AND.. HE LEFT ME!! now AINT THAT SOME SHIT!! lol

Peace&Love
Beautifullest Bliss

Known to walk alone.....

BUT IM ALONE FOR A GOOD DAMN REASON!!!i had a WHOLE nother topic i wanted to blog about today.. but this subject is burning in my spirit! It cant be ignored, or take the back seat to some sweet, mushy crap i WAS gonna bring to yall's attention

TODAY i wanna talk about friends/ loyalty.. and all that jazz! *cracks knuckles* LETS BEGIN SHALL WE?.....Now unlike most people my age, ive learned that having many friends, or "belonging to a cliq or crew, is not only overated, but it is foolish to a certain degree. Not only does having too many people inside your circle confuse you, it can also blind you from who YOU ARE as an individual... If you know me.. you know circle is EXTREMELY SMALL..i can count on my hands who are my "girls".. theres the Big Homie, Prissy, Banga, MyBoy, and Burga... anyone else isnt a friend.. rather an acquaintance whom i may have shared a few laughs with. If you arent anyone of those 5 people ( not including my sister).. you know the surface of me... you kno wat i want you to kno. Those chosen few have been there for me in different ways, and have made me into the individual i am today ( thank you ladies!) Where am i goin with this, you ask?? ill tell you!

When you are someones "friend" ( well if you are MY friend), that is a bond that should not be broken. No man, outfit, argument, disagreement SHOULD EVER come between true FRIENDS. Once you are my friend, and i confide in you with deep dark secrets, i expect 100% loyalty from you. We are sisters, who look out for each other. We are not each others "yes men"... if you doin something i dont agree with, i will let you kno, because i want wats best for you. If we goin out to the club and ya outfit not rite, i will let you know cause youre my sister and you are a representation of ME!I expect realness at all times- even if it hurts me.. cause i know it can only be for my best intrest.

Soo i dont throw around the term "friend". And i hope that after you read this, you wont either. Pick and choose ya friends, cause they should last a lifetime. I know that my 5 girls, all different and unique, all in different parts of the country and all shapes and sizes, will be in my life forever!! YALL CHICKS ARE STUCK WITH ME!!!! And if you decide to make me a friend... always know that im loyal, im real, and im the true definition of a friend...ill love you till the end, and will ALWAYS want wats best for you...

Peace&Love
Beautifullest Bliss

My fear.......

SOOO... im jus doin my normal cleanin... and i decide to make it a Pandora day.. & for the past week or so, i have gotten rid of my fear of love songs... so i put it on Amerie Radio and began moppin... as i clean, songs that i was soo scared to listed to started to come on- and normally i would switch to Jay-Z Radio or Lupe or somethin, but i was totally fine with it... &&& it came to me!!!

I had an epiphanny!! I realized why i was soo afraid of love songs! like ahh duh IVANA!*chuckles* I was afraid of the TRUTH!! i didnt want to hear what was true in my HEART! I didnt want to feel sad, or loved, or vulnerable.. anything that was true, i didnt want to feel it!

I realized, with a bucket of mop water, and PineSol in my hand, that im HUMAN! i cant run away from the inevitable! YES i was hurt! YES im scared! YES im sad! YES i want love! YES i've done my share of heartbreak!! YES TO ALL OF THOSE THINGS I WAS HIDING FROM!!! I cant live my life running away from Ne-Yo, or Trey Songz, cause of my own foolishness!! Good music is good music.. and i should be able to enjoy it!!

YES PEOPLE!!! idk if you may understand how HUGE this is for me! Maybe now i can listen to Trey and not think of what i used to, or hear a love song, and wont cry- ill jus accept it as art that i can relate or not relate to! SOOOOO ADIOS FEAR!!! it wasnt THAT good knowing you.. you were quite annoying honestly, and you cant come BACK!! I got joy back.. and he makes me HAPPY!!!

Now DONT think im SOFT!! id still choose the BIG HOMIE or , Lupe, JCole, or CuDi over ANYTHING... but now i wont change my ipod with such force, if say... Tamia lovey-dovey ass comes on lol... PROGRESS PEOPLE!!

Peace&Love
Beautifullest Bliss

What is it Like.. Will I ever Know??

Remember the Jagged Edge song.. yall know.. * pics up my brush aka mic* " Whats it like to be in love/Thas all a nigga thinking of/& i was jus wonderin will Love eva know ME?

So i got to thinking, and i wonder.. Will Love ever know ME?!! Not that "my momma loves me, or that best friend" kinda love.. but that Over the hill, cant eat, cant sleep, must talk to them 10009 x a day before you can start your day, kinda love. The love only singers can write about, and actors can portray. The love only meant for the pages of a ghetto novel. The love we all dream about! THAT KIND OF LOVE!!!

I thought i was in love once.... but turned out WRONG!! I thought love meant, showing someone what you can do for them in EVERY way but the right way. I didnt know love was a feeling that is expressed by actions, rather i thougt it was based purely on actions to get them to FEEL the love... but im glad i know now that that is the wrong way to love.

I know now that love comes in SOOO many different varieties.... love has no specific body type, or bone structure, it doesnt have the perfect haircut or, crisp true religions. Love isnt about that. Love isnt that bracelet he bought me, or all the expensive dinners he took me on... those are all actions! its not wat love is...

Love is pure, love is sacret, love is LOVE. Love is seeing past ALL flaws, and loving the soul. Love takes time, its hard work. Love is a struggle, a constant battle between what you feel, and whats real.

I know my love is out there, and although i have this gate with multiple locks and alarms around my heart, i know love with get past all of that.I'll save my heart for one is deserving of it. He will get all of my love w/ out hesitation. I jus wish love would know me now!! lets meet! ill meet u half way.. even pay the gas and tolls, cause i know once i cross that bridge, no amount of money could compare!..

I think i found a candidate for love.. jus hope hes ready for me...

Peace& Love
Beautifullest Bliss

Love...Lost

To Love.....?

to breath in the others prescence, breath in their spirit. To cry for them so you wouldnt have to see a tear drop from their precious eyes. Going to the end of the earth just to tell your love, "I Love You." To hold them in your arms, shielding them from the world. To kiss their lips and feel every pain or sadness in your body dissapate into the air, leavin you both in a high. [Love=MyDrug===<3<===You=MyHeart] You hold my very being in your palm. YourSmile=MyJoy. Unbelievable how much you want to give up the world for one person. Just to see them smile. The Pain I go through everyday...because that kiss....its supossed to be mine. How impossible it seems to breathe in....knowing you're not there. Why can't we live in love? In it's beauty, In it's comfort?? Endless emptiness??

I find myself dragging my feet, in so much pain, I don't no where to go from here......honestly, I'm Lost.
Where do I go from here? Just want you by myside.......so i can embrace you kiss your lips, softly blow in your ear "I Love You, Be Mines Forever More". Wishing that somehow time cud be misplaced, so we can start from the begining when your body laid against mine. Too see myself only wanting you, only you, Just wanting you?...................I just want to hold you......Baby I'm nothing if not with You, yOu, yoU. Just Lost.

*iloveyou treyforthis!!*

In with the NEW.. and kickz the OLD shiiit OUT!!

1st of the New Year && idk how to feel about it! As my peers got "wasted" beyond belief, i sat home with my family and jus pondered...I wanted to have a clear mind while the new year made its entrance. Thought about 2009, and wat it has given me, wat it has taken away and wat it has made me realize.

NOW i said i was gonna be real for yall...so heres the REAL SHIT!!!

*turns to j cole* I came in 2009 with high hopes like everyone else in the world. I wanted a successful year, love, happiness and alll that good shit.... and i thought "the world would be mine in '09!!" lmaooo how freakin foolish of me =/ I was with a man who not only cheated, but was abusive.... nah not CB abusive.. but mentally. He controlled my mind in '09. I lost alot of my spunk, alot of my smiles, alot of my happiness. I wasnt on my grind in '09.. but rather my focus was on making a man happy. I lost valuable time in '09.. something i resent till this day!! But my ultimate lost in 09 was my baby...i murdered her * i like to think it was a girl.. jus lemme rock*... 11 weeks, and to my surprise she was in me the whole time...

She was gonna be my inspiration to get right. Maybe she coulda helped us w/ our relationship.. but nah that aint work out. 11 weeks into it... i find out.. tell him.. and was told to leave him out of it.. Can yall believe that shit??!!! This man who made me believe what we had was real, ginuine love... is the same man telling me to lay her to rest. So like an idiot i did.. I left her in 09... but shes always in my heart.. MOMMY loves you... u mean alot to me, and helped me grow.... 11weeks.......

OKAY OKAY!! now with the good stuff... i learned im powerful beyond measure in 09.. I found my inner strength and made it mine in '09! I slowly began to progress! i gained my confidence,and towards the end, i took my life back! I made supervisor at my job * pats my back*, landed a great summer gig, met new people, and moved toward my goals. I left my teenage years in 09..im officially a WOMAN now, and i embraced this new role!

In conclusion... im IN WITH THE NEW and "kickz" the old shiiiiit theee fuck out!! 2010 starts a new decade!! i dont believe in resoultions, but i do believe in change! I want to grow and progress in 2010, concentrate on my education, and leave the knuckleheads in the dust. I know i have something HUGE in store for me this year! I will keep the real people close, and the frauds jus a LITTLE bit closer... daddy aint raise no fool! So if i left you in 09.. 09 is where you will stay in my life... jus another memory!! If you ( and that means YOU too) made it to 2010 with me, hold on to my hand.... we can only go UP from here!! Much LOVE!!

Peace & Love
Beautifullest Bliss

WELCOME!!!

While im sittin here, in my fav red shirt, red scarf, and famous black leggings.. sippin on premium orange juice.. listenin to "Beautiful Bliss".. i THINK im ready to start this! sooo i guess i must start like everyone else and say WELCOME!!!! i hope you enjoy my thoughts, my vivid descriptions, my smiles, my tears, my..my.... my..... *stops*... MY EVERYTHING!!!

I promised myself i would be 11100% real on this blog.. yall should feel honored to be granted the opportuniy to roam thru these feelings of mine! Im sharing confidential shiiiiit here! So sit back and take this journey with me.. whereever we may end up- i PROMISE ill get us there safe!!

Peace& Love...
The Beautifullest Bliss