Im a Scaredy Cat...so wat!!

Hello beautiful people!

Am i too "grown" to be afraid? Like is there a point in life where you are supposed to be fearless? If so, im not there yet; cause im PETRIFIED! of what?? Well alot of things, heights, spiders, ANYTHING blue or greeen, amongst others. But my ultimate fear, is LOVE! *screams* im so afraid of it! Its soo scary and random.I hate bein put in situations where the dreaded "L" words appears. Thats why i HATE love songs.. they freak me out!

Ever been in a relationship or on the verge of being in one, and you start thinking "Can I LOVE this person"? Yea, i start twitchin when it comes to that! LOVE? whatthefuckisthat *fabolous voice* Idk if i even know how to do that. Seems too complicated for me... why cant i just like someone...ALOT?

Why would anyone want to be in Love, or Love someone? I know when its good, its good- but when its BAD, its fuckin HORRIBLE! The person you were in sooo much love with turns out to be a complete jerk, asshole, dumbass, ect. So why even put yourself in a situation like that?

With love, you gotta be like "free" and shit. Takes alot of effort, time and energy, and i just dont have that time... jus yet ( or ever!) The way i see it " Love is like a game, and no one ever wins!" You get ahead, but overtime, ya ass loses. That man you married 20 years ago, cheats... and you lose. The guy that loved you soo much, hits you. That girl you would do ANYTHING for, played you. That perfect couple has, secrets... get my drift??

Now alot of people may read this, and think im just another mad black woman whose heart has been scorned, which is partially true, but im just taking a realistic approach to life. You can never put all of your money in one pot or ya ass will be BROKE wen life takes ya damn pot. Now im not condoning having multiple pots, but im saying, be smart!

I'll blame my dad for giving me this mindset. How i long for the female take on things; daydreaming about marriage and love. Hearing a love song and smiling.. damn i want that soo bad! Most females arent afraid of monogamy, but ME....smh, im soo scared of it! I have such a male outlook on life, and its turned me into a scaredy cat to say the least..

One day ill face my fear.. HOPEFULLY. One day ill look love in the eyes with confidence and not worry if its gonna FUCK me over. But today, March 22, 2010.. im still afraid of you LOVE!

The BeautifullestBliss

Emotional Wreck ( in the words of Chris Crocker)

You always hear the term ‘emotional wreck’, but is there such a thing as a.. successful, smoothe ride, when letting emotions take the wheel?

Every time I let my guard down, I become astonishgly (astonishing even to me) sensitive. I choose to ignore my emotions 100% of the time.. so when I finally consider letting them do the talking, I end up kicking myself and getting mad at others for not being ‘nicer’ to me or for not giving me the love I want in return.

Maybe I’m just a big baby.. but someday.. Someday I am going to be someones big baby, and they’re going to love me that much more.. and they’re going to love ALL the things about me others can’t seem to stand.. and all this waiting will be worth it.

I long a guy to pull me closer when I push him away. For a guy to understand my games, to see through them— To kiss me when I start to cuss him out. To cup my cheek in his hand and rub my face.. I could go on..

Unfortunatley fantasies don’t come with a warning label, and even if they did, I take warning’s as a “jumping off point, to start negotions” to quote Cher from Clueless.

I keep wanting to end this entry with an uplifting sigh of relief, but I don’t really want a sigh of relief.. because I know it will be temporary.

How many wishes in a bottle do I have to send/spread all over the Internet, before the one for me finally fucking reads it and acts on the feelings he and I both know are there? Because if I ever DO find love.. Mark my fucking words.

I will NOT

under any circumstances..

I will NOT chase love. Love will chase me once and for all.

In ALL of my previous relationships, I was the initiator. For ONCE in my life, I will let them do the confessing and the wooing me over.

I just sighed..

Temporarily Relieved,

Chris
&
Beautifullest Bliss