I'm Sad Yall.

UGh... I was just 2 paragraphs in and the shit deletes..fml. I was in a fucking groove. ANYWAY.. Yes, Im extremely down and sad right now. Not only am I tired of feeling this way, I'm getting tired of letting it be this way and not doing anything about it. I'm sad that I've turned into this girl I saw and hated. Blah blah blah. sounds fucking cliche as shit. Im just tired. Today has been hard for me. I let someone tear me to the grown verbally and I cant even explain the torture. TO have someone personal to my life , basically consider me trash- even if in a moment of anger- is such a horrible feeling. Sadly, this has happened too many times. I have to believe in my heart that im am wonderful because TODAY, i feel worthless. LIke I could die, and nobody would care except Khari ( if she was given memories of me). Seriously, I thought about driving into a tree or some shit today so i wouldnt have to be here tonight. In a hospital in wires and shit sounded better for atleast a few hours. Then I thought about my fucking insurance and opted outta that quick..fuck that! lol. but seriously , today I feel like nothing. LIke my life is nothing. I am nobody. I have nothing to offer. I have too many days like this. WHEN PEOPLE SHOW YOU THEY CRAZY ,BELIEVE THEY ASS. The biggest lesson of my life. Im realizing alot of people are suffering. And they are bringing that suffering to life and manifesting it into walls and walls of damage. Im speaking of myself when i say this. Im learning that I need good spirit around me always. Im learning I dont work well with stress. Under stress, over stressed, little bit stress, kinda sorta stress..none of it! I need good vibes always. And its for this reason- I take in energy and it manifests into my life. DO you know how consuming that is on me? My body does not reject negative energy well. SO for that, i NEED to steer clear from it. And for the last few years of my life, ive been strrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeessssssssssssssseeeeeeeeeeeeeedddddddddd to the damn max. I thought I was "strong" and could deal- but fuck that. I cant. Im not. I wont. Fuck that. I never really really contemplated doing harm to myself until today. I dont wanna speak on what was said to me. But i'll compare it to the arrogance of police officers today. Smug " what are you gonna do, I can kill you and get away with it" attitude. I wasnt threatened to death (this time, smh) but the tone was so very degrading and made me really ask myself " when did I meet the devil?" cause hes right here. In the flesh. Im NO ANGEL. please, let me state that for the records. IM NO ANGEL EITHERRRRR BABAY!*Beyonce voice* but got dammit, I've never been this evil to anyone in my life. TO have the things said to me, come out of someones mouth that I've broken bread with, made life decisions with...this is how you speak to me? People have the right to be mad. ANd I'm learning that you can judge how a person to react to something you do to hurt them. I get it. BUT- there has to be a better way to talk. Im so drained from this negativity , I feel i have nothing to give the world. If i didnt have my child, thered be no need for me. Because my worth has diminished. Atleast thats how im feeling today. Im praying for strength to pull through and make the right decision and not the most comfortable. My life depends on it literally. But today ,im sad yall. Pray for me, smoke for me, laught for me. I need it all. I need it all. My spirit is in danger. I pray tomorrow is better. Forreal.