I'm Sad Yall.

UGh... I was just 2 paragraphs in and the shit deletes..fml. I was in a fucking groove. ANYWAY.. Yes, Im extremely down and sad right now. Not only am I tired of feeling this way, I'm getting tired of letting it be this way and not doing anything about it. I'm sad that I've turned into this girl I saw and hated. Blah blah blah. sounds fucking cliche as shit. Im just tired. Today has been hard for me. I let someone tear me to the grown verbally and I cant even explain the torture. TO have someone personal to my life , basically consider me trash- even if in a moment of anger- is such a horrible feeling. Sadly, this has happened too many times. I have to believe in my heart that im am wonderful because TODAY, i feel worthless. LIke I could die, and nobody would care except Khari ( if she was given memories of me). Seriously, I thought about driving into a tree or some shit today so i wouldnt have to be here tonight. In a hospital in wires and shit sounded better for atleast a few hours. Then I thought about my fucking insurance and opted outta that quick..fuck that! lol. but seriously , today I feel like nothing. LIke my life is nothing. I am nobody. I have nothing to offer. I have too many days like this. WHEN PEOPLE SHOW YOU THEY CRAZY ,BELIEVE THEY ASS. The biggest lesson of my life. Im realizing alot of people are suffering. And they are bringing that suffering to life and manifesting it into walls and walls of damage. Im speaking of myself when i say this. Im learning that I need good spirit around me always. Im learning I dont work well with stress. Under stress, over stressed, little bit stress, kinda sorta stress..none of it! I need good vibes always. And its for this reason- I take in energy and it manifests into my life. DO you know how consuming that is on me? My body does not reject negative energy well. SO for that, i NEED to steer clear from it. And for the last few years of my life, ive been strrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeessssssssssssssseeeeeeeeeeeeeedddddddddd to the damn max. I thought I was "strong" and could deal- but fuck that. I cant. Im not. I wont. Fuck that. I never really really contemplated doing harm to myself until today. I dont wanna speak on what was said to me. But i'll compare it to the arrogance of police officers today. Smug " what are you gonna do, I can kill you and get away with it" attitude. I wasnt threatened to death (this time, smh) but the tone was so very degrading and made me really ask myself " when did I meet the devil?" cause hes right here. In the flesh. Im NO ANGEL. please, let me state that for the records. IM NO ANGEL EITHERRRRR BABAY!*Beyonce voice* but got dammit, I've never been this evil to anyone in my life. TO have the things said to me, come out of someones mouth that I've broken bread with, made life decisions with...this is how you speak to me? People have the right to be mad. ANd I'm learning that you can judge how a person to react to something you do to hurt them. I get it. BUT- there has to be a better way to talk. Im so drained from this negativity , I feel i have nothing to give the world. If i didnt have my child, thered be no need for me. Because my worth has diminished. Atleast thats how im feeling today. Im praying for strength to pull through and make the right decision and not the most comfortable. My life depends on it literally. But today ,im sad yall. Pray for me, smoke for me, laught for me. I need it all. I need it all. My spirit is in danger. I pray tomorrow is better. Forreal.

GROWN WOMAN PANTIES

Well HELLO there! I know its been a while. Listen, shit happened..then more shit happened.. add a college degree and a baby and shit just keeps happening. BUT THATS LIFE, so i keeps a stash of tissue and wipes to make sure shit dont hit the fan. But enough of all that. Im coming to my favorite place to announce a few things that will be changing at 24. Thats right people... ya girl hit Kobe number and I'd be lying if I said I was suuuuper excited about it. Although Im super blessed and content with how my life is panning out, theres still alotta shit i need to clean up. Im tryna win this championship baby.... i need my lineup to be GREAT! So with that said, heres a few things i need to change in my Kobe year to make that possible. First things first- Im gonna try to refrain from using tabbaco products when enjoying tree. vaporizers and bowls will be used much more. I cant keep subjecting my lungs to pain while trying to reach pleasure! "roll me a joint...white paper white paper- i dont do blunts"-Jay-Z Next, I gotta get all the doubt and worry THE FUCK OUTTA HERE! Sorry to generalize based on zodiac signs-but I am the true definition of a Libra woman. & one of our less glamourous traits is self doubt. I read this in a magazine and Im gonna start implementing it in my daily routine. Every morning when i wake up and look at this post partum baby body, big ass glasses (they Ray Bans tho..dont hate) & crazy ass whatever grade of naturalness of hair i have- I must tell myself Im a bad bitch! I am a soon to be 24 year old woman who has traveled the US (the WORLD is next Craig!) the first to graduate college in my family, I follow my dreams and work for a widely recognizable television network AND had a baby who is the cutest in the entire world! Fuck them doubts boo- you BEEN gettin it so you GOT this!".... Yall like how that sounds or its a bit much?? Aye, they say speak positivity into existence and that is what you receive so hey, its worth giving it a try!! & the last but MOST IMPORTANT change i need to make is MY ATTITUDE TO FUCK SHIT! *deep breath* The fuck shit was at an all time high at 23. And Im realizing to cut the "fuck" off before the "shit" comes into play. Ill break it down for you. I can be super cliche and say "Im the nicest person you'll ever meet...blah blah blah" but seriously- those who have had the opportunity and pleasure to know me/get close to me/be my FRIEND (& thats a whole nother post..)- you know that i will and have always gone above and beyond for them.I dont have a "no" feature. "Ivana, can you pick me up from work-YES. Ivana, can you help me with____-sure no problem! Ivana, im having a ______ i want you to come- Girl, Ill be there! Ivana, do you know somebody who can ________- Yup, heres his number, ill go with you,dont worry about it, youll be fine. Ivana, you got a minute- realistically NO, but YES girl wassup"...... (excuse this next cliche ass statement) WHAT DO YALL EVER DO FOR IVANA? Now, I'd be foolish if I played to victim role cause honey, Ivana aint no saint BUT I always put other people feelings into consideration. THIS IS WHERE I GET PERSONAL- LET ME TELL YALL "FRIENDS" SOMETHING. I AM A HUMAN BEING WITH FEELINGS- I AM NOT A POLITE LITTLE ROBOT WHO DISHES OUT NICE GESTURES AND EXPECTS NOTHING IN RETURN. BEING A FRIEND IS A CHOICE- NOT AN OBLIGATION. SO WHEN IM NICE, LOYAL, CARING, CONSIDERATE AND LOVING TOWARDS YOU AND YOU DONT RECIPROCATE THOSE BACK- I CHOOSE TO CUT YOU THE FUCK OFF. This may sound so ...whatever- but I support EVERYTHING my "FRIENDS" DO. I have a baby and bitches get funny. PLEASE NOTE THAT IF I HAVE KNOWN YOU FOR 2+ YEARS AND YOU HAVENT SEEN ME OR MY CHILD- ITS A PROBLEM. IF THE ONLY TIME I SPEAK TO YOU IS VIA INSTAGRAM- ITS A PROBLEM. IF YOU MADE PROMISES TO ME AND RENIG ON YA SHIT-ITS A FUCKIN PROBLEM. I go out of my way to make sure people feel my warmth, my friendship and my love and i dont get nothing back. Yall have permenately hurt and damaged my feelings. You dont treat people like that.... how do you expect good to come to you when you treat your FRIENDS like shit??? SO YOU AND YOU .. AND YUP YOU TOO... FUCK OFF! YOU ARE A WEAK LINK TO MY TEAM. I WILL NO LONGER SUPPORT PEOPLE WHO WHEN ITS TIME TO SUPPORT ME "SHIT CAME UP" "OHH, I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU" "IMMA COME UP SOON" " I DECICED TO GO BACK HOME.. I PROMISE ILL COME DOWN IN 2 WEEKS" "HEY, LETS GO OUT" THEN YOU NEVER CALL BACK "SORRY I SHOWED UP TO YA BABYSHOWER 3 HOURS LATE/DIDNT COME AT ALL" "YOU MY NIGGA FOR LIFE" BUT ONLY WHEN IT BENIFITS YOU " I WANNA SEE YOU AND THE BABY SO BAD" BUT NEVER SHOW UP ASS BITCHES. I'm tired of excusing your inconsiderate behavior. WE ARE ALL BUSY, but you make time for what you want. A phone call dont hurt, a facetime wont kill you and a visit aint posion. Its called being someones FRIEND. Ive been nothing but loyal to all of my friends. & this the thanks i get? Ungrateful ass people. But THIS YEAR, I wont let yall hurt my feelings no more. You dont wanna be my friend, cool- it cost you nothin. pay me no mind. But Im a grown ass woman and with that comes grown woman panties- so im putting them on. Those who have made me question my friendship, my love and whether it was ever worth giving it to you, have been completely removed. Dont mean I wont love you..but ill do it from a distance! But I'm turning 24 this year and like Kobe, I'm ona mission to be GREAT. & to be great, you have to have a solid foundation and great support. So for all my people that hasnt turned the cheek on me, check up on me and mine, call me.. CAUSE IM STILL THE SAME PERSON. A BABY AINT A ILLNESS..come to see me, hang out with me and most importantly LOVE ME-no worries, I signed ya contract..you still on the team. THE REST OF YALL FREE AGENTS & Dutchess,Swishers,White Owls & Bluntvilles...TAKE YA TALENTS ELSEWHERE. I CANT FIND A USE FOR YOU HERE. -Kobevana <3

I can have ANY man....

that i want.. Ive heard it soo many damn times!! "Omg you're beautiful, you can have any man you want. I cant believe you're single!" Well guess what fxcker... i CANT get ANY man i want , i can get ANY man that wants ME!

Just think about it. The person you want sooo bad, never really wants you. & that person who wants you sooo bad, you cant stand. WTF is the logic in that? I've had my share of relationships and dates, and I've only REALLY liked about 40% of them. For some reason, im always gettin stuck with the same type of men.

Theres always the OVER ACHIEVER- the guy that has to point out everything they can do for you or boasting on what they have.He's usually a CORNBALL, so inorder to compensate, he lets his money and cars persuade you. uhh, excuse me SIR, i dont NEED youre resources (unless you know Jay-Z), i got my own!

Then theres the JUST BEAR WITH ME guy- the guy thats been in college longer than he needs to be,or is constantly unemployed, and uses that as an excuse to be a low-life. NO job, no money ,livin with his mom.. but "you're in school to better your life" tho right?? thats why youre 28 still using ya momma taxes to pay for school...hmmm NEXT!!!

OF course theres the Pretty Boy- the guy who spends more time lookin and talkin about hisself than you do.I like to call these my "Harlem dudes". Image is everything to this guy. Everything has a label. The one that looks soooooo damn FIONE in the club from afar, but when he tries to holla, you notice his eyebrows are arched..."howw you zzzzzewin, sir" ill pass! I dont need ya pussy sir, im on my own clit! Thanks tho..

Cant forget about Mr.Focused- the guy who cant spend time with you because "right now, im just focusing on me, nah mean?" riiite, but you can bbm me at 12 am for my goodies? FOH here sir.. im JUST as focused if NOT more than you. Spending time with ya boys every hour on the hour HARDLY counts as bein focused.

Lastly, we have the IM NOT LOOKING FOR A RELATIONSHIP, but can we still fxck , guy- Every lady has had this guy once or twice. This is USUALLY the guy we like the most. He flirts, tells you what you want to hear, spends a little time on you... but DOESNT want a relationship. Rather, he wants you to be his "unofficial girl". He sees nothing wrong with this logic, mostly because its the new "it" thing. Why should he be tied down to one girl, when he can have a MAIN and a mistress? This is the guy we ALWAYS think we can change! It never fails..

I'm dealing with a "im not looking for a relationship" guy at the moment, and at first i thought it was cool. We both wasnt looking for anything serious, just someone to kick it with on occasion. But, as the weeks pass.. i start thinkin "WHAT THE HELL am i doing?" Its becoming clear that im liking him WAAY too much, and i can see this not ending how i want it too. The woman in me, likes to think that I can be the one to change his outlook. I mean, look at me! Im young, pretty, got my own shxt, and i "handle my bidness, like a big girl should".. but even that isnt enough to change his outlook on "relationships"..

Soooo, what are my options?? I could ditch the guy, and start from scratch, or be content with being his "shorty" ( as he loves to call me) , and never be satisfied... ugh! this relationship/love thing is for the BIRDS!!

" I can have any man i want to baby, thats actual and factual.. but still i choose YOU!"-Chilli

Beautifullest Bliss

Im a Scaredy Cat...so wat!!

Hello beautiful people!

Am i too "grown" to be afraid? Like is there a point in life where you are supposed to be fearless? If so, im not there yet; cause im PETRIFIED! of what?? Well alot of things, heights, spiders, ANYTHING blue or greeen, amongst others. But my ultimate fear, is LOVE! *screams* im so afraid of it! Its soo scary and random.I hate bein put in situations where the dreaded "L" words appears. Thats why i HATE love songs.. they freak me out!

Ever been in a relationship or on the verge of being in one, and you start thinking "Can I LOVE this person"? Yea, i start twitchin when it comes to that! LOVE? whatthefuckisthat *fabolous voice* Idk if i even know how to do that. Seems too complicated for me... why cant i just like someone...ALOT?

Why would anyone want to be in Love, or Love someone? I know when its good, its good- but when its BAD, its fuckin HORRIBLE! The person you were in sooo much love with turns out to be a complete jerk, asshole, dumbass, ect. So why even put yourself in a situation like that?

With love, you gotta be like "free" and shit. Takes alot of effort, time and energy, and i just dont have that time... jus yet ( or ever!) The way i see it " Love is like a game, and no one ever wins!" You get ahead, but overtime, ya ass loses. That man you married 20 years ago, cheats... and you lose. The guy that loved you soo much, hits you. That girl you would do ANYTHING for, played you. That perfect couple has, secrets... get my drift??

Now alot of people may read this, and think im just another mad black woman whose heart has been scorned, which is partially true, but im just taking a realistic approach to life. You can never put all of your money in one pot or ya ass will be BROKE wen life takes ya damn pot. Now im not condoning having multiple pots, but im saying, be smart!

I'll blame my dad for giving me this mindset. How i long for the female take on things; daydreaming about marriage and love. Hearing a love song and smiling.. damn i want that soo bad! Most females arent afraid of monogamy, but ME....smh, im soo scared of it! I have such a male outlook on life, and its turned me into a scaredy cat to say the least..

One day ill face my fear.. HOPEFULLY. One day ill look love in the eyes with confidence and not worry if its gonna FUCK me over. But today, March 22, 2010.. im still afraid of you LOVE!

The BeautifullestBliss

Emotional Wreck ( in the words of Chris Crocker)

You always hear the term ‘emotional wreck’, but is there such a thing as a.. successful, smoothe ride, when letting emotions take the wheel?

Every time I let my guard down, I become astonishgly (astonishing even to me) sensitive. I choose to ignore my emotions 100% of the time.. so when I finally consider letting them do the talking, I end up kicking myself and getting mad at others for not being ‘nicer’ to me or for not giving me the love I want in return.

Maybe I’m just a big baby.. but someday.. Someday I am going to be someones big baby, and they’re going to love me that much more.. and they’re going to love ALL the things about me others can’t seem to stand.. and all this waiting will be worth it.

I long a guy to pull me closer when I push him away. For a guy to understand my games, to see through them— To kiss me when I start to cuss him out. To cup my cheek in his hand and rub my face.. I could go on..

Unfortunatley fantasies don’t come with a warning label, and even if they did, I take warning’s as a “jumping off point, to start negotions” to quote Cher from Clueless.

I keep wanting to end this entry with an uplifting sigh of relief, but I don’t really want a sigh of relief.. because I know it will be temporary.

How many wishes in a bottle do I have to send/spread all over the Internet, before the one for me finally fucking reads it and acts on the feelings he and I both know are there? Because if I ever DO find love.. Mark my fucking words.

I will NOT

under any circumstances..

I will NOT chase love. Love will chase me once and for all.

In ALL of my previous relationships, I was the initiator. For ONCE in my life, I will let them do the confessing and the wooing me over.

I just sighed..

Temporarily Relieved,

Chris
&
Beautifullest Bliss

Heres a lil Story Bout this Girl i Kno

& lets call her "cindy".. Cindy was beautiful, like drop dead gorgeous! She had smooth skin, long beautiful hair, and a body to die for. Men stopped her, and women hated her.She had it all! College student, popular boyfriend, smart,.. jus the total package.

But on the inside, Cindy was broken. Her perfect boyfriend beat her. He was the epitomy of ABUSIVE!! She wasnt allowed to do anything, and he would always make her feel obligated to stay with him. Cindy did everything a good wife/ girfriend was supposed to. She would cook, clean, and sex him wenever he wanted. She never could understand why her man, the man she loved with all of her heart, would thank her by blacking her eye.

Cindy had very few friends and twice as many haters, so she always felt alone. She had been pregnant twice, only to have her boyfriend force her to have abortions.. saying " that they werent ready to have kids, and he wanted to be married". She was broken, she had lost it all! She depended on her man so much, that she had no plan B; no alternative. Although her back was against the wall, Cindy knew she had to be set free.

So one nite, after she had sex with her boyfriend and he was sound asleep... she got her shit together and left! she vanished, with a weeks worth of clothes, and 89 dollars in her pocket. She ran to he nearest gas station, called her mother, and returned to her home.

3 years later& Cindy is doin amazing! She graduated, has a great career, and most importantly, she found herself. She didnt let her horrid past dictate her future... as for the ex boyfriend, welll...i still see him around, lookin horrible, and worst off then wat he was. I heard he got some little freshman pregnant..hmm.. wonder wen her abortion appt is scheduled...

I bring this story to you, because theres a Cindy around all of us, and we may not know it. That girl with the radiant smile, and all the latest fashions, may be the one suffering the worst. Never judge a book by its cover... the title page may look good, but as you read thru the chapters, youll see that everything aint wat it seems to be.

Be careful ladies!! Never stay with a posessive, over bearing man. If he cant trust you, most likely you cant trust HIM.. and somethin is obviously wrong!! Love yourself enuff to knowt he difference! We are strong, beautiful women, and the right man will see that, and treat you accordingly! NEVER SETTLE like Cindy did!!

Peace & Love
BeautifullestBliss

Only Good for a Quickie....smh

WADDDUP!!! i been MIA lately..but for GOOOD reason! Im tryna get my life together, okay?!? dont judge me!!! But i missed my blog! So heres a quickie ( OO HOW I LUUUV THOSE ;)

Spring Semester is in full effect and im soo not prepared! Mentally, emotionally, physically...none of that jazz!!!Im not used to living a structured life and i gotta get back in my groove!! Classes are pretty smooth ( the two i went too anyway..lol), so im hoping for a successful year!

I found my bestest friend Saabrina aka my car!! I love her and she loves me shes been treatin me real well since we met..im thinkin shes a keeper lol

Love Life???? smh... next topic puhlease!!

Friends?? well its my BFF BIG 21 today!! and as i type im gettin dressed to go celebrate!!! i love you girl! We are gonna rock out w/ our cocks out tonite! Me and my sister made up and i love her to death!! *reminder* Family is ALWAYS first!!!Big Homie shared my first road trip with me THANK GOD!! Shes a FOOL but i love her too!!lol Silly dancing,twizzlers, and Rockin out to NSYNC!!! Memories for a lifetime!!!

In conclusion, life is good as of today!! ill come back with another "hot topic" in a few days! 'Preciate the love!!

BeautifullestBliss